Relationships and Health

Studies show that social relationships’ quantity and quality affect mental and physical health, including mortality risk.   A Brigham Young University study said that friendships affect our life expectancy:  people with larger social circles had a 50% lower mortality risk than those who don’t.  British Medical Journal found that men and women who reported having 10 or more friendships at age 45 had significantly higher levels of psychological well-being at age 50 than those with fewer friends.

Foundation

Relationships, like houses, need a good foundation.

Make sure the person you’re interested in has what it takes to be in a relationship with you.  That means the right attitude, good communication skills, and a solid interest in pursuing a real relationship with you.

If you share these foundational qualities, you have a better chance of a good fit.

When you share these qualities, you have the confidence to create a relationship that will stand the test of time.  Getting into a relationship is a risk.  Sharing these qualities makes it less of a risk.

Compassion

Compassion could be the number one secret weapon to good relationships.  Compassion means to know that their life, hopes, dreams are just a important as yours.  Compassion gives us a more true look at the world by taking us out of the spotlight and putting someone else there.  Everyone has their own story, their own trials and tribulations, and sometimes, we don’t know what those trials are, but we respect them anyway.  Compassion allows us to accept others as they are without the expectation of their conforming to your expectations.  Kindness and patience goes a long way for a healthy relationship.

Emotional Intelligence

Relationships stand up better with some emotional intelligence.  Over time, we can lose our sense of “separateness” in a relationship.  Taking a break a few times a year and seeing your person as their own entity is a healthy activity.  Valentine’s Day is an excellent time to sit down and brainstorm all the good things about them.  Same thing on their birthday, anniversary, or maybe just because it’s Monday.  Write them a letter, email, or text that outlines everything you appreciate about them.  It brings it to the top of your mind and makes you more compassionate.

I’ve been married for over 40 years, so I can tell you with experience when my husband becomes unhappy, angry, or sad, it’s not about me.  If I could pass one thing on to a new couple or friends,  it’s that.  If your other person is upset, show compassion.  It doubles their pain if they’re trying to convince you that it’s not about you.  It doubles your pain too, and it often ends up being about you when you don’t let it be about them.

Reframe negative thinking. 

• You are good enough to be someone’s friend or loved one.
• The person you’ve chosen is good enough to be someone’s friend or loved one.

Cloudy thinking can make our appreciation of the other person cloudy.  It is unlikely that the person you chose to love is out to get you.  It’s more likely they have forgotten something or have some cloudy thinking themselves.

You may have different values.  A good book to read is “Love Languages”.   My husband and I have different love languages or values regarding gifts.  Your family may have showered you with birthday or Christmas presents to show their love and appreciation for you.  His/her family may have skipped gifts or made fun of the gifts they gave.  Gifts don’t always mean the same to both of you.  Working that out, early in my marriage, would have been a lot easier.  My husband does kind and thoughtful things daily but he sometimes forgets and has to be reminded to make statements of love with gifts.  He sends me Hallmark Valentine Cards and circles the important parts.  Just because he didn’t get me an anniversary present in the beginning didn’t mean he didn’t love me.  I thought that’s what it meant.  It is fixable.  Everything is fixable with compassion.

Happy relationships are not 100% happy all the time.  We don’t always agree.  The times we could get in trouble are the times when we don’t see each other as we are.  We are loving people, deserving of love, ready to give, and trying to be the best we can be.

I hope you enjoyed this teeny bit of relationship advice.  Kindness fixes a lot.  I’m going to be releasing a relationship supplement that can be tied into any program.  The supplement will talk about friendship, dating, marriage.  Give communication tips, how to make friends, and even a list of questions to ask before you make a commitment, to “divorce-proof” your marriage.  

Happy LOVE month!

Cathy

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